Conflict and Our Interests
Conflict gets a lot messier when it seems like our needs and wants are pulling us in different directions. We often feel like we have to choose between two things we care deeply about. That feeling of frustration or being stuck? It’s often just two needs trying to speak at the same time.
I’ve seen this in coaching, in negotiation, and myself.
Oftentimes in conflict, especially in my personal life, I want two things at once:
A clear, accurate account of what happened.
A sense of emotional connection and mutual trust.
It’s not that one is right and the other is wrong. They both want attention, and they don’t always show up together easily. The real work is understanding why each interest is important and how it’s serving the moment.
Sometimes one interest helps move the conversation forward; other times, it’s there to protect something vulnerable. And when we feel the need to protect something vulnerable, we can become confused, stuck, and tense. Because underneath the surface, our nervous system reads the moment as a threat. We are losing control, losing connection, and slipping into unsafe territory.
And just like that, we’re no longer navigating from a place of clarity. We’re reacting from fear.
In the moment, it’s rarely easy to pause and reflect. When you’re flooded, prioritizing one need over another can feel impossible—or even unsafe. But when I can slow things down just enough, I ask myself: What’s needed right now—for me, for them, and for the relationship?
Sometimes that means clarifying what happened. Sometimes it means softening into connection. Sometimes it means stepping back altogether.
It’s not about choosing one interest and abandoning the other. It’s about letting each one guide me at the right time.
And truthfully? I don’t always get it right in the moment. Sometimes, reflection is where I catch up to myself and finally recognize what I was reaching for.